They aren’t listed as formal “grounds” for divorce in New Jersey, but weaponized incompetence and imbalanced domestic labor are high on the list of catalysts for couples splitting.
Usually, it’s the spouse bearing the greater weight of domestic duties who finally reaches a breaking point. On the other end of things is often someone who is “blindsided” by their other half’s unhappiness and decision to leave. They don’t see separation as a solution to discontentment over “little things” - like not doing the dishes or helping with the kids’ nightly routine. What that perspective often overlooks is problems that were likely brewing for some time - and efforts to communicate a need for more help were dismissed as “nagging.”
Factor into this weaponized incompetence. As explained by “Psychology Today,” this term describes what happens when one person gets their way by claiming incompetence - in turn saddling the other person with the work that’s left undone.
Example: The wife takes charge in creating and facilitating the family’s schedules, with things like packing lunches or planning after-school activities. The husband promises to help, but requires lists and reminders to get it right. After several times of forgetting key steps or needing constant input along the way, the wife simply gives up and ends up stepping in to “do it right.” But doing so leaves them tired and exasperated. By not taking basic initiative and responsibility to do a competent job with simple and moderate tasks, the husband has weaponized his incompetence.
Over time, this breeds serious resentment and can poison a relationship beyond repair.
How Substantial is the Domestic Labor Imbalance?
A 2020 Gallup Poll of more than 3,000 heterosexual couples revealed women handle the majority of domestic labor. This includes things like:
- Laundry
- Cleaning
- Cooking, meal planning, meal preparation
- Childcare and child routines
- Scheduling appointments and activities
Of course, men are taking on more childcare and housework than ever before. That said, women consistently perform more physical and emotional labor in their families. And this is true regardless of age, income, or respective workloads.
Gender roles have evolved drastically in the last century - but the division of domestic labor has not. The Pew Research Center reports that since the 1970s, the percentage of families in the U.S. where both parents work has increased from 49 percent to 66 percent. The share of marriages in which the husband is the sole provider fell from 49 percent in 1972 to 23 percent in 1992, and has stayed about the same since then.
But even for couples with dual incomes, the divide in domestic labor still isn’t even. In heterosexual marriages, it tends to skew heavily toward women - even when their incomes are equal or even higher.
The only noticeable difference in this trend is when the wife is the sole breadwinner of the family. In these situations, Pew reports, husbands and wives spend roughly the same amount of time per week on household chores.
Husbands on the whole also spend more time on leisure activities than their wives. In households where the husband is the sole breadwinner OR earning about the same as his wife, he’ll spend about 3.5 hours more each week on leisure activities than his wife. Meanwhile, she will spend roughly 4.5 hours more on housework and caregiving than her husband. When the situation is reversed and the wife is the primary breadwinner, the husband will spend even more of his time on leisure activities, but their housework and caregiving contributions are about the same.
“We all get just 24 hours a day,” said Divorce Lawyer Elizabeth Rozin-Golinder. “If you love someone and want that partnership to last, it’s really important that you show them you value their time as much as you do yours.”
As Somerset divorce attorneys, we do recognize this isn’t a “husband-only” problem, even if that’s the more common scenario. Women can be guilty of weaponized incompetence too. No matter what side it’s on, we’ve seen the ways this dynamic can devolve and ultimately tear couples apart.
“Percentage-wise, women file for divorce more than men,” Rozin-Golinder explained. “Many go a long time thinking, ‘It’s just easier to do it myself.’ So the ‘final straw’ may seem like something fairly innocuous, but in reality, it’s been building up for a long time.”
Addressing Unequal Division of Domestic Labor
If it’s not too late for your relationship, consider the following steps to address unequal division of domestic labor in your home:
- Acknowledgment of the work. A lot of the household labor is “unseen.” It may not even be considered “real work.” But things like laundry and meal planning and scheduling are critical to the effectiveness of family management. Acknowledging and genuinely appreciating your partner’s work is probably Step 1.
- Jump in without being asked. If your partner has to ask for your help or make lists for you to know how to complete certain tasks, they’re still burdening the mental labor of that task. If you do the grocery shopping, take the initiative to also set the budget, make the list, plan the meals, the kids’ lunches, etc. Pay attention to whether there are certain brands that may be preferred or necessary. And don’t text your partner 10 times while you’re there to ask a million minor questions. Own up to the full responsibility of the task - and rectify it if you’ve made a mistake. Recognize that grocery shopping itself is only part of the job.
- Don’t act as if your participation is a favor. As a fellow adult in the household, your participation isn’t a favor. It should be expected. Try to approach it with positivity - or at least not with a grudge.
- Communicate often and openly. Communication is oxygen to a relationship. When we make assumptions or impose our own ideas on our partners, it can stifle growth. Think of domestic labor as part of an ongoing conversation, rather than a one-time deal. Don’t wait until the resentment and tension has reached a boiling point.
On the other hand, if you are the partner who has been burdened by the majority of the domestic workload, you aren’t alone. If you’re feeling “done,” we can help you assess your situation and determine what steps you need to take to initiate your independence.
Call Rozin|Golinder Law, LLC today at (732) 810-0034 for a free and confidential consultation.