When it comes to child custody mediations, your actions and your words matter. The court will always look to do what it feels is in the best interest of the child. If parents cannot agree on a parenting plan, the court may require mediation to help the parties arrive at an amicable solution.
During mediation, it is important to maintain respect and composure. Threats, insults, or an unwillingness to cooperate may negatively impact the mediation process and should be avoided. This article addresses what not to say in child custody mediation and what to focus on instead.
When two parents decide to end their relationship, either through divorce or separation, they must decide how to handle the raising of their child or children. Unfortunately, child custody issues can quickly become contentious. Each parent may believe that they should be the sole decision-maker or that the child should live with them for the majority of the time. While both sides may have the best intentions, a heated debate may not resolve the issues at hand.
When parents cannot arrive at a mutually agreed-upon parenting plan, they may look to mediation, or it can be court-ordered. Mediation is an out-of-court negotiation process that is overseen by a skilled mediator. The mediator helps parents to work through disputes about custody, visitation, scheduling, and decision-making to arrive at a reasonable parenting plan. The parenting plan will lay out everything from visitation rights to child support. Mediation can save both time and money by avoiding lengthy litigation.
While the child custody mediation process is generally confidential, what you say during the negotiations still matters. Effective communication is key to a successful outcome. While you should feel comfortable discussing any concerns about a proposed parenting plan, it may be detrimental to stray from custody issues. Using inflammatory language, insults, or threats may derail mediation efforts and force the matter into litigation.
As with any part of the New Jersey divorce process, it is important to be prepared. Plan what you will say and gather evidence that may support your proposed parenting plan. It is highly recommended that both parties speak with an experienced family law attorney prior to any child custody proceeding.
The most important thing to remember in child custody mediation is that it is about finding a reasonable compromise and doing what is best for your child. Keeping discussions child-focused can help to ensure that the process remains on track and headed towards a workable solution.
Mediation is about collaboration, not about demands. Parents should avoid absolute statements. Absolute statements such as “I never” or “You always” are not only unproductive, but they also show an unwillingness to compromise. Instead of stating absolutes, respectfully voice concerns and offer specific solutions to address them.
When one or both parents are fostering resentment, it can become easy for any interaction to create conflict. Simple conversations can quickly become heated with emotionally charged words being used to hurt the other person.
The best way to avoid using inflammatory language, including insults, diagnoses, and labels, is by being as prepared as possible for the mediation and sticking to the facts. Take the relationship out of the process and focus on creating a robust plan for your child’s well-being now and in the future.
A common mistake parents make during mediation is to make threats about court or money. If a parent consistently remarks, “I’ll just see you in court,” then it will be seen as uncooperative and potentially combative. The goal is to find an amicable solution, not necessarily get your way.
A child, no matter what age, should not be used as a witness or messenger. Using a child to gather information about the other spouse, including financial documents, can be harmful to the process and to your relationship with the child. Keep any child custody issues between you and the other parent and discuss them during mediation.
Avoid bringing up fights that may have led to the end of the relationship. Rehashing old issues does little to help move toward a reasonable resolution. It can only stall negotiations and lead to frustration. Keep discussions focused on the child and the matter at hand.
Mediation is about finding a workable parenting plan that addresses both parents’ concerns and is in the best interest of the child. Refusing to compromise is generally not a strategy that will produce a reasonable outcome. It will more likely result in litigation, which is both pricey and time-consuming.
Specificity is critical during child custody mediation. Avoid vague proposals that do not address key points of contention, including custody, parenting time, support, and decision-making abilities. The more specific and structured a parenting plan is, the more likely it will be followed by both parties with little misinterpretation.
In addition to avoiding certain words during custody mediation, parents should also avoid certain behaviors. It is important to remain composed and calm throughout the process. Aggressive behaviors can end a session. The mediator may also find it disrespectful or unproductive if you are late, leave early, or are constantly checking your phone. If things become heated and it is difficult to keep composure, it is reasonable to ask for a brief recess. If a particular issue is contentious and cannot be resolved, it is ok to ask to come back to it at a later time.
The most important thing a parent can do to help make the custody mediation process productive is to be prepared. Before any sessions, write down what a fair parenting plan might look like and what compromises may need to be made. Write down concerns, but keep them respectful and child-focused. Gather evidence, including financial records and the child’s schedule of activities, that may be needed during the process.
A New Jersey family lawyer can provide child custody mediation tips, including which documents may help move the process along. Parents should be prepared to provide financial information regarding support issues, as well as a plan for getting the child to and from school and extracurricular activities.
Documents that you may need to bring to parenting plan mediation in New Jersey:
Having a schedule on hand is important, as it will likely be addressed. The attorney can also help walk you through common custody mediation mistakes and help prepare you for the most effective co-parenting communication during mediation.
In some cases, mediation may not be the right fit, or it may need extra structure. If contact between the parties is likely to lead to conflict or they are unwilling to compromise, the parties may need to pursue high-conflict custody mediation or litigation. In litigation, the court will decide a parenting plan based on what it feels is in the best interest of the child.
Other instances where custody mediation may not be appropriate include where there are allegations of substance use or there is a substantial imbalance of power between the parties. These matters may need to be addressed by the court.
Finally, if there is a history of domestic abuse or any kind of violence, mediation may not be the best environment to produce a parenting plan. Safety is a primary concern and should be addressed before the mediation process.
Child custody can be a challenging matter, but mediation can help parents arrive at an agreeable parenting plan that puts the interests of the child first. To prepare for custody mediation, it is strongly recommended that each party consult with a New Jersey family lawyer. A lawyer can help provide guidance and resources throughout the mediation process and work to ensure that your interests are fairly represented. They can also help to ensure that mediation sessions are productive through thorough preparation.
At Rozin | Golinder Law, our lawyers are well-versed in custody mediations. We understand that these matters may be difficult, but we are here to help you and your family move forward.
Whether you are a dad worried about father’s rights or a mom trying to ensure equal decision-making power, our firm can help. Contact us at (732) 377-3367 to schedule a confidential consultation today.
